The phrase “Ozzy Osbourne” means very different things to different people.
If you happened to be kicking around in the 1970s, you might remember Ozzy as one of the most significant heavy metal singers in the genre’s entire history. If you weren’t old enough to start remembering things until the 1990s, you think of Ozzy as a showman who knew his best creative years had sort of come and gone. In the 2000s, Ozzy reinvented himself once more, this time as a crazy old man on television wailing gibberish at his wife and children on MTV’s The Osbournes. Nowadays he’s back to the metal thing full-time, at least until 2020, when he finishes what might be his first, and therefore final, legitimate farewell tour.
But really, none of that stands as the most important aspect of Ozzy’s legacy. Next to singing on Randy Rhoads’ best albums, Blizzard of Ozz and Diary of a Madman, Ozzy should be famous for snorting a line of ants.
This occurred sometime during the 1980s, amid an Ozzy/Motley Crue tour. Nikki Sixx and the bunch were hardly known as boy scouts, and due to the hubris of their relative youth, they thought they could defeat Ozzy in a contest of debauchery one-upsmanship.
Motley Crue were fools, of course.
Culture Creature repurposes a selection from Crue’s autobiography The Dirt, in which Sixx realizes his incapability to sink to the depths of depravity in which Ozzy comfortably resides.
“I handed him the straw, and he walked over to a crack in the sidewalk and bent over it,” Sixx recalls. “I saw a long column of ants, marching to a little dugout built where the pavement met the dirt. And as I thought, ‘No, he wouldn’t.’ He did. He put the straw to his nose and, with his bare white ass peeking out from under the dress like a sliced honeydew, sent the entire line of ants tickling up his nose with a single, monstrous snort.”
The dress Sixx refers to was evidently stolen from an old lady, and worn by Ozzy at the time for reasons. Also, immediately following the ants episode, Ozzy went pee pee on the ground and licked up a bunch of his own urine.
Now, this is a clip of Ozzy singing a duet with Miss Piggy, included here to illustrate how one day you might find yourself stuffing live insects up your face because you ran out of cocaine. Many days later, you might nonetheless find yourself getting paid tens of thousands of dollars to flirt with a globally-beloved children’s character.