As is well known, virtually every historical injustice or atrocity has resulted from humanity’s biological impulse to procreate.
Wars? Dudes trying to impress chicks with how tough they are. Religion and slavery? Dudes obtaining and exploiting infrastructural power to make it easier to get chicks to put out, ‘cos as it turns out, fighting in wars is dangerous and scary. The Fifty Shades franchise? Dudes and chicks both seeing really bad movies to quell our anxieties about other people having more interesting sex than we are.
But thanks to hentai gaming outfit Nutaku, everyone on Earth can forevermore have the weirdest sex possible, every day, whenever we feel like.
Motherboard got the scoop on the Flick N’ Jerk, a device forged in the spirit of the Bop-It we all remember from our now-ruined childhoods. One corner is a dildo, another side is a Fleshlight-type thing (though not an actual Fleshlight, ‘cos that’s a brand name), a third side is a buttplug, and the final quarter provides oft-necessary vibration. That’s all four bases covered, boy howdy.
Once everyone owns a Flick N’ Jerk, there will be no need to interact with other people for the purpose of eventually having intercourse with them. No more human pregnancies will occur, ever. Just as the dinosaurs had their comet, mankind now know the name of their extinction-level event — “Flick N’ Jerk.”
Some digging from the Motherboard staff reveals that Nutaku won’t even be shipping promotional Flick N’ Jerks until December, which makes their attempt to tie the FNJ’s marketing to National Masturbation Day (May 28) a bit dubious. I can’t blame Nutaku for dragging their feet a bit. Anyone with the means and, perhaps, an obligation to wipe out their own species certainly wouldn’t be in a hurry if they had any conscience whatsoever
In the meantime, I suppose it’s not too early to revisit and celebrate mankind’s greatest achievements, much in the way it’s only polite to focus on the positive aspects of a person who’s about to die. I suggest listening to the works of Michael Jackson (pre-Bad), binging The IT Crowd, and eating a breakfast burrito.